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Dear N̶Y̶C̶ Louisiana: Necessities To Pack Before Evacuating For Hurricane I̶r̶e̶n̶e̶ Isaac

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Déjà vu anyone? Hurricane Isaac and (2011) hurricane Irene share some similarities. Please keep Louisiana in your prayers.💜 I hope Isaac isn’t going to be another Katrina. XXOO, Jenn

For Example:

– A Pharmacy: Everyone has one and those I mention below aren’t called “mood enhancers” for nothing.

– Money talks: No matter where you are $100 bills are understood perfectly.

– Religion: Hello Bible Belt! (Need I say more?)

* Lets throw prayer into the mix as well. God Forbid this turns into another Katrina where celebrities go on air to raise money and M̶i̶t̶t̶ ̶R̶o̶m̶n̶e̶y̶ Kanye West is given a mic and air time.

– Illegal Activity: it’s everywhere. Maybe not in the form of a basement apartment but I’m sure you won’t have a problem coming up with some of your favorites on the fly.

– Children of the Corn: We all have them. Don’t fool yourself.

– Moonshine: I’ve been to Louisiana before. I assure you, Absinthe isn’t strong enough.

– iPad: Hurricane Isaac + no way to play Angry Birds? That really is the perfect storm.

And now the Master List…

Adderall: For the children of course.

Cash: When it comes to comfortable evacuation digs, $100 bills will work better than threats. *Learned from experience

Valium & Xanax: For yourself and everyone around you. This is a situation where you should heed your mother’s advice and share.

Bible: To look up specific verses to mention to God while asking for forgiveness for all the things you have done (or have done in your head already) to the people around you.

Basement: Now is the time to throw out all morals and rally up anyone you know that is living in an illegal basement apartment w/out windows in Queens instead of your penthouse of death.

*Bonus.. If your apartment is so bad you couldn’t get a women to come over even if you walked into an all women’s prison w/a handful of pardons, go to the evacuation centers and announce you have a tiny gross and (very) illegal basement in Queens to keep everyone safe. Bye, bye swanky penthouse, hello Queens!

Oxycodone: Not oxygen. Although, depending on where your evacuated to, you might want to throw in an oxygen tank just incase. *see relocating to Queens above

Sleep Aid: I prefer Demerol, but it is a little hard to acquire the substantial amounts needed on such short notice and without drawing up suspicion.

*In the event that you do attain some, please email me your address so I can show up at your door.

Marbles: To pass out if the crazies around you lose all of theirs.

Laryngoscope: The most effective way to shut up the crazies around you.

* Bonus, if you master this skill your life in general will be much more relaxed

Morphine drip: In case the Valium, Oxycodone, Demerol, and Xanax all fail, a Morphine drip will keep you sane.

* Tip, have the IV already attached to your leg before you get there and if asked, tell them its a catheter. They will leave you alone after that, trust me.

Rubber-bands: Safer than carrying a handgun, but scares people just as much when you aim and point it at them.

Ear plugs: Did I mention that there are over 2 million angry New Yorkers on this two mile island, and they won’t offer a separate shelter for the Children of The Corn?

Absinthe & Everclear: To wash down your pills. Water is overrated & less effective.

Candy dish of assorted pills: (Adderall, Klonopin, Paxil) For the kids who won’t take an Adderall alone, make it fun, no kid can ever pass up a candy dish.

Snickers candy bar: Your going to be there for a while.

Hope: Depending on how long your there, I’m confident this would be the first to run out.

Foursquare: Run through your list of people you never want to see again and match it to whatever evacuation center they are checked in at so you can avoid going there.

Bubble potty: No explanation needed.

* I’m pretty sure I can speak for myself ,and everyone else, when I say that if you have to ask why, we don’t want to be sitting next to you in the first place.

iPad: Lets face it, if your condo does get destroyed, losing your iPad would be the most devastating, more so after you realize you didn’t buy the Apple Care insurance.

Pen & Paper: In the result that you live, you will need to write amended apology letters to those you mailed out “last will and what I really think about you” letters to believing you were going to die.

The clothes you want to be buried in: I assume its not the footsie PJs you had on during the emergency evacuation.

Rosary beads, garlic, & Holy water: Because you never know…

Therapist #: If you survive this, your going to need one. Or 5.

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