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13 Reasons You’re Not His Actual Girlfriend

[SNEAK PEEK!] My new article for the upcoming issue of Time Out New York (TONY). Like what your reading? Check out www.timeoutnewyork.com for more articles and receive a discounted subscription when you sign up using the banner at the end of this post. Thank you for reading! XoXo, Jenn

1. You met on an episode of MTV’s “Jersey Shore.”

2. Change of plans throws him for a loop. Rearranging plans at the last minute can be annoying, but if he has to pop a Xanax followed by a Prozac chaser when you want to push dinner plans back an hour, your not really his girlfriend.

3. You’ve never met his family. This is generally looked at as a negative, unless the person your dating is Robert DeFoe.

4. He looks like Ted Bundy… Bonus! Your still alive.

5. Instead of your name showing up when you call him, a time of day shows up instead. Usually in the morning. The early morning. Do you see where I’m going with this?

6. You guys haven’t had “the talk” yet. Not that talk, the other one.

7. He never calls you on the weekend; if he does see #5 for what time you should expect your booty call phone to ring.

8. You’ve never seen his place because:

A. He still lives at home: Are you dating Norman Bates?
B. He has a roommate: Is “roommate” code for “cell-mate”?
C. He needs clean up a bit first: was he on an episode of Hoarders?
D. He claims to live in a tiny apartment: Is he a Mole Person living beneath the subways in NYC?

9. He introduces you by your name without “My girlfriend” before it… Bonus! If he remembers both your first and last name you probably weren’t just a one night stand.

10. Your restricted to Monday night date. In Staten Island. At 5 PM – and he is not a member of the AARP.

11. His reaction when you bring up the F word requires him to have an EpiPen on hand at all times. If he can’t talk about a future with you without breaking out in hives, your probably not his long term girlfriend.

12. He’s hot and cold and not Katy Perry.

13. Temporary can be good – tattoos, traffic, the flu – just not you.

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