How to Survive in a Horror Movie: 2.0
*But don’t ask me, I’d probably be the first to die* XoXo, Jenn
1. Be chivalrous and let others go first
2. Once you kill the murderer (yay!) don’t check to see if he is still alive. He is. He will grab your arm. And you will die (and you will deserve it).
3. Don’t go outside if you hear a noise. Chances are he is about to brutally murder you. It happens all the time.
4. Don’t wait for the police. Like every other horror movie that came before, they always arrive late.
5. Don’t immediately dismiss your child. In fact, believe him when he claims to see visions of people dying around him.
6. Start hanging out with your faster friends. If you want to survive as a group, you might as well chose right.
7. If there are ghosts in your house, before taking your HD camera to record it, take a phone and call an exorcist.
8. Never move into a big house the previous families have died in.
9. Be nice to the crazy kid. More than likely he’ll be the one doing all the killing.
10. Don’t lock yourself in a mansion trying to kill the killer who’s done it successfully for 30 years. You’ll lose.
11. Make sure your cell provider is Verizon. That way thousands can be behind you.
12. Never say “I’ll be right back” because you won’t be.
13. Actually know you way around your own house better than the killer.
14. Don’t walk around the house saying “Hello?” As if the killer is going to reply back, “In the kitchen, want a sandwich?”
15. Delete Neve Campbell’s number from your phone.
16. Start yelling out Bible verses, grabbing holy water, waving around garlic or rosary beads; whatever will keep you alive.
17. Never say anything three times in a row.
18. Don’t run into the woods… run near the road.
19. Stay very close to Jamie Lee Curtis.
20. Run past your slow friends tripping them along the way so you can disappear while he’s busy killing them.
21. Have a gun. Know how to use it. Aim for the head.
22. Don’t stop and cry when your friends starting dying off – keep moving, you can make more friends.
23. Do the opposite of whatever Paris Hilton would do. Its no secret her character would never make it out alive.
24. If all else fails, drink some poisonous Kool-Aid and pray the next life is the dream that comes after the nightmare you just lived.