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Match.com: These Are My Options?

The dating profile no one on Match.com wants to be “matched” with…

MEET “MISS 51/50”: I won’t judge you- but that doesn’t mean you should be so boring that there’s nothing to judge in the first place. I am looking for a long term relationship as I’m never going to get married again. Three strikes you’re out. I think if I would try to get married again in New York I’d have to go to prison wouldn’t I? I think you only get three. I am looking for a partner who does not want children. I can’t stand children in restaurants, or in cars, or at the grocery store…you get the idea.

The most important thing I am looking for is a financially stable partner!!! Last week my accountant told me that I am in a situation where the only real financial advice is to get a sugar daddy or fake my own death. I also grew up poor and never want to go back to that again. I remember one year when I was younger and money was tight. My Mom told me that if I wanted a million dollar theme birthday party she would just lock me in the cupboard and tell me the theme is Harry Potter.

Religious and/or spiritual men are welcome, from all different faiths. Personally, no, I’m not a born again Christian, excuse me for getting it right the first time. Looks aren’t a deal breaker, but lets not lie, personality takes a backseat to ugly any day.

  • Hobbies: Racketeering, counting cards, assassination, dancing (I love to dance, but my last date told me that watching me dance was like reliving his birth trauma all over again)
  • Favorite food: Cannibalism
  • Greatest accomplishment: Turning ex boyfriend gay
  • Fashion Style: “Frequent buyer of the month club” at the local Salvation Army
  • Role model: Charles Manson… Or did you mean the movie?

What Women Say (And What They Really Mean)


I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of every banjo-playing geek on “Hee Haw.”)
There’s a slight difference in our ages. (You are one Jurassic geezer.)
I’m not attracted to you in that way. (You are the ugliest dork I have ever laid eyes upon.)
My life is too complicated right now. (I’m waiting for a rich sugar daddy.)
I’ve got a boyfriend. (I’d rather stay home alone.)
I don’t date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn’t even date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building.)
It’s not you, it’s me. (It’s not me, it’s you.)
I’m concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring as my job has got to be better than dating you.)
I’m celibate. (One look at you and I’m ready to swear off men altogether.)
Let’s be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and fall in love with.)

What Men Say (And What They Really Mean)


I think of you as a sister. (You’re ugly.)
There’s a slight difference in our ages. (You’re ugly.)
I’m not attracted to you in that way. (You’re ugly.)
My life is too complicated right now. (You’re ugly.)
I’ve got a girlfriend. (You’re ugly.)
I don’t date women where I work. (You’re ugly.)
It’s not you, it’s me. (You’re ugly.)
I’m concentrating on my career. (You’re ugly.)
I’m celibate. (You’re ugly.)
Let’s be friends. (You’re ugly.)

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